Dude. Today’s a doozy. I’m battling with myself mentally about this audition I should be self-taping for a short film. I’ve been excited about this project and audition since conversing with the film maker last week. I’ve been working on the audition material, just when I could here and there since the schedule has been too hectic to really devote any good chunk of time to it. Today is my day, I have time, I can finally self-tape, edit and submit a day before deadline. Here we go.
Well, not yet. I’ll do it. At this moment though, I’m grappling with all the negativity in my mind about how every choice I’ve made in preparation for this piece is stupid and wrong, how I’m not experienced enough or trained enough to be doing this anyway and I should just save myself and the film maker the trouble and embarassment of filming/watching my crappy audition. My friend Matthew likes to remind me how not nice to myself I am. When he says it now it’s different than how he’d say it when we were still teenagers. He says it now like he’s wasting his breath saying it out loud at this point. He’s not wrong, it’s just a hard thing to overcome. It’s especially sad when it’s pointed out to me that if I heard someone say the things I say about myself, but they were saying it about a friend of mine, it would make be really angry and I would defend my friend against the attack. But myself I just let get beat down. By myself. How pathetic. (see?? beating myself up for beating myself up!)
I know I’ve talked recently about fighting for myself, and I suppose this all fits right in with that. It’s hard work reversing your own opinion of yourself so dramatically. I even struggle writing this here, because I’m thinking it’ll come off as a desperate fishing for compliments (which, I assure you, it is not). No, it’s just me over-sharing my neuroses with the world…
I love this quote from a BLEEP Magazine interview with actor Krysta Rodriguez (from Broadway and NBC’s SMASH):
There are people, when you watch their performance, make you get excited about doing something similar. There are also people, who when you watch their performance, make you want to quit because they are so amazing. Both are equally inspiring.
Oh my gosh, great quote. So true. I’ve been working with both kinds of people since I’ve returned to performing the last few months. And while working with people who are so good it makes you want to quit can be generally inspiring, it can also inspire me to be sick in the nearest waste bin. It’s so strangely confusing being intimidated by someone and inspired by them at the same time. But I still choose to do this, which is sweetly twisted, I suppose.
Speaking of working with great people, how about I share a sneak peek at one of the promo photos…
Promotional Photo, The Old Garde at Boulevard Ensemble Studio Theatre Nov 21-Dec 1, photo credit: Troy Freund
It really is sad that you can’t somehow pick up on how much we laugh while we work, just by looking at this photo. I so so love working at The Boulevard Theatre. And I think we’ve got a funny show on our hands. But even if no one else laughs, we sure do. I mean, where else can you honestly say about your job “I think I injured my hand swatting my scene partner’s bum, because the previous time I did it the director said it wasn’t loud enough” ??
Ha. As I wrapped up this post I checked my feedly and saw that one of our local theater reporters has mentioned the new show today. How nice. You can check that post out here. (and more information about The Old Garde can be found here at the theatre’s site)
Have a good day, y’all. I’ve got an audition to go tape. Wish me luck.
(my apologies if today’s post is too cerebral or psychological, or whatever… It was very late, after a very long day, as I prepared this post)
As I write this it is actually late Sunday night. Most of today has been an out of body experience. I do not recall consciously making a decision to exist in a subdued state today. But in fact this is exactly how I carried on, from my waking until now (as I am about to head to bed). I had wondered around mid afternoon if my fog was initiated by a lack of nutrition, when I realized I hadn’t eaten all day (and wouldn’t until 8 pm). But this couldn’t be the explanation, I woke up this way. (and before any of you lecture me about not eating, it was not on purpose. I was not myself today, it just happened)
I awoke later than planned, somewhat outside myself and moving through a fog of sorts. I started the day with a new beginning, the first company meeting for my November project at the Boulevard Theatre. From there the day “concluded” (which doesn’t seem to be the correct word, the conclusion of the day having kicked off at only 2 pm and lasting until 7:30 pm) with the final performance of Malcolm and Teresa and then the strike of that production.
When I say this was an “out of body” kind of day what I can say to expound on that is that as I carried on from one thing to another, there was very little active thought going on mentally/internally. I seemed observant of what I was sensing or feeling, but in a very disconnected way, not processing something I had felt until a little time had passed. For example, during the run of the show this afternoon, as I waited offstage for an entrance at the end of act one, a few tears fell. In the moment I was conscious of the necessity of halting the tears, which I think I did, but unaware until the show was over why exactly it had happened (and had actually happened at Saturday evening’s show as well, in the same part of the show). This might be the first time I was not ready for a show to be over (it’s so late, and I’m so weary, I guess I can’t say for sure). I guess the best I can do is liken the experience of this production (and its timing) to a life preserver.
So, in a manner of speaking, having lost my life preserver I’m dealing with a sense of a lack of security. This is in an overall life kind of way, not meant to be any sort of critique of the theatre compartment of my life specifically. The interesting thing is, in hindsight, I think I stood guard over myself today, maybe subconsciously aware that I was about to lose something important and so trying to insulate myself from the damage.
I think letting go of this one hurt a little. And maybe I disconnected from it, as I have this summer and fall from another situation.
So, one show has ended but another has begun to take shape. I’ll have something else to work on, which could possibly provide solace in its own little way. Thank God for work. All is well, as I head for bed with a grateful heart.
It’s opening night for Acacia Theatre‘s Malcolm and Teresa, by Cathal Gallagher. I’ve been working on this play for several weeks, and I can’t tell you how nice it has been to be “back in action”. This is the first opportunity I’ve had to work with Acacia, a Christian theatre company. I am so glad that the right play finally came along, I’ve had a really positive experience and I hope to have more opportunities to work with them on or off stage in the future. I think in many, many ways the experience of working on this particular play at this particular time in my life was a vehicle for God’s healing in myself. I may not have been fully healed up but I have been deeply affected by this work, in a very hopeful way, and the people I’ve worked alongside on Malcolm and Teresa have buoyed me at a time when I was certain I was going under.
The play’s subject is English journalist and author Malcolm Muggeridge. Through two major events in his life (Ukrainian famine in the 1930s and introducing the world to, then unknown, Mother Teresa in the 1960s) we get a look at Malcolm’s transformation, from agnostic young man to devoted Catholic. A theme of one person’s faith in action being able to affect the world is especially strong with the Mother Teresa moments, although it certainly applies to Malcolm as well. I’m playing Malcolm’s wife, Kitty.
If you’re in the Metro Milwaukee area please consider supporting Acacia and this production of Malcolm and Teresa. It opens tonight (Oct 18) and closes on Oct 27. The playwright, Cathal Gallagher, will be in attendance opening weekend for all of the performances and talkbacks (or so I’ve heard). If you’re a broke college student, you’re in luck: the Thursday Oct 24th show is $5 with your student ID.
I’ll share with you a bit more about the show straight from Acacia Theatre’s Fall newsletter:
P.S. to get on the Acacia Theatre mailing list, click here
The buzz on Acacia’s next show…
From The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel… “Acacia Theatre’s new production takes a look at the unusual meeting of hearts and minds between Malcolm Muggeridge, the BBC reporter, novelist and essayist, and Mother Teresa, the Albanian-born nun who dedicated her life to serving the poorest of the poor in India…” for more, click here.
From Hometown News…”Dialogue between the playwright and the director have offered opportunities specific to this production. [Director Elaine Rewolinski says,] ‘Because the central character is a journalist and ‘the media’ are part of the backdrop of the storyline, I am using a fair number of photographic projections, newsreel, and newspaper images as part of the scenic requirements of the production. Cathal has suggested music for the show, mostly to set the time period of the various scenes, which shift from the 1930s to the 1960s…’” for more, click here.
From Germantown NOW… “[Cast member Jason Will says,] Malcolm was a very impulsive person. He was obsessive on so many levels and with his ideas…when he believed in something it was 100%. This play portrays a man who, in spite of overwhelming criticism, stood by what he believed in, what he saw as wrong…” for more, click here.
From New Berlin NOW… “[Stage Manager Caitlin Straw says,] ‘I think that there is an exceptional strength in the dialogue. The play is philosophical at many times, and eloquent without being unrealistic. It’s been a joy to hear the words on the page brought to life….’” For more, click here.
From Wauwatosa NOW… “Wauwatosa actress Stacy Becker portrays Beatrice Webb or ‘Aunt Bo,’ the aunt of Muggeridge’s wife, in the local premiere of Malcolm and Teresa…” for more, click here.
From Greenfield NOW… “[Cast member Michael Chobanoff says,] ‘The script is well-written, thought-provoking and spiritually sincere, without coming across as ‘preachy’ or ‘churchy.’ These were real, flesh and bones people and the play is written that way. To me, that makes it compelling…’” for more, click here.
From Brown Deer NOW…“[Cast member Glenna Gustin says,] ‘One of the most interesting themes of the play is the question of what one person can do to make a difference in a world beset by so many insurmountable problems. This is perhaps more relevant than ever as the media continues to expand the sense of who our neighbor is…’” for more, click here.